The World Out There

I am leaving an inward, contemplative phase of my life and heading out into the world.

I thought I was becoming a monk, ever closer to spirit and ever further from man. But maybe I just needed a break from the world.

There was so much trapped inside of me, so much I had to attend to. And there always will be. But it seems my desperate attempt to find answers has simply faded away. It dropped like autumn leaves once I realised I don’t need to be fixed, because I am not broken.

There is no rush to find my inner sorrows and soothe them. They will be with me, and I will attend to them now and then when they need me. There is no right or wrong. There is no one to blame, there is only loving oneself. There was wrathful anger that needed to be expressed. Once that anger was seen, it moved on. And now, I can leave the past in the past. At least, that’s how I feel in this moment.

I haven’t felt the need to write a post in a long time. I have less to share. I realise how different we all are, how much my journey is only my own, and how little my lessons might be relevant to anyone else.

I suppose it truly was my dark night of the soul. Now I see a chink of light ahead, I can relax and just enjoy the day.

`I couldn’t have done things any other way. And though it has been a house of horror, I’m glad I walked through it. I don’t want these nightmares trapped inside. They were always there, peeping out at me whenever I dropped my guard.

I never felt I had a choice. I had to look inside and find the answers to my infertility and illness. But now, I realise I did have a choice. We always have a choice. I could have looked away and spent a life as the old me. Many people do it. I was brave. I sank into it. I didn’t know what I was doing but I knew I wanted better for myself. Perhaps “better” is the wrong word as I do not feel any moral high ground here… I wanted a life that felt more mine. I wanted authenticity and peace. I wanted to understand myself most of all.

And I don’t, because I realise now that I am a fluid being. I change every month. But I am a witness to my changes. I am part of them rather than a bystander, helplessly being dragged by the tides. Or something like that.

And so, I meditate less. I am less eager for my next therapy session. I see friends more often. I am happy to give more of myself to the world. I expect less of myself. I need less to be special and more to enjoy my day. I speak less to spirits. I don’t need them to be loud right now. I can make choices on my own and they don’t have to be right. My mind is busier, but I don’t need to panic. If it all gets too much, I know what to do. I am well versed in Rest. My nervous system got what it needed, to shut down, to reset, to feel safe for a while. Now it feels right to turn on a few lights.

My therapist says it’s a cycle. She is implying I shouldn’t expect to feel this way forever, shouldn’t get too comfortable with feeling free. So, will the darkness come round again? Who knows. Probably. I feel OK with that. The last time I crashed, the intensity of my suffering led me to my spirit guides who helped me see that I am not and never will be alone. There is purpose in it all. There is so much beauty in the darkness if you can give it space. These black times can be an unexpected gift. Maybe next time I’ll feel a little bit more accepting, more prepared, more able to see the light that is always there.

I’ll let you know.