It is January 2nd, and at the start of a new calendar year, what is important to me? And what do I want to share with you?
I am in a new place right now, one of connection and trust. I have been struggling to put my finger on what exactly has changed and have now identified this state as one of faith. I know that I am not alone, that I am held and that I am on the right path. If I were a religious person I might say that I now believe in God. I don’t use those words or references, but I imagine, at its centre, it is the same.
I never expected to become spiritual. I came to this place late, very recently, very clumsily, in fits and starts. For most of my life I have been uninterested in (and often afraid of) the supernatural or the divine. Religious studies was the only class I flunked in school and the subject was never discussed at home. My parents and older siblings were involved in a cult-like Hindu religion before I was born. When their chosen guru was exposed as a paedophile, they ripped themselves out of their spirituality overnight. It must have been traumatic. All of the good aspects of their faith went out the window, as well as all the bad. The house I grew up in was avoidant.
I remember at a certain age, perhaps 11 or 12, being jealous of the other kids who had a church and a title. I felt a void within me and perhaps my intuition suspected it lay somewhere in the region of God. I considered adopting Christianity but it didn’t resonate enough for me to push through the barriers. There were no other options in my vicinity and anyway, I have still never found a singular religion that makes me feel at home. The closest I come to recognition is when I read about the pagans in England, before the Romans came. I love the magic and the reverence for nature. Sadly, that way of living, that way of believing, was driven out centuries ago and relegated to fantasy.
My own spiritual journey started out of necessity, with loss, grief and illness that forced me to look inward. I needed to discover what was wrong with me, why I was so unhappy, and why the life I was living had made me sick. Everything I read, heard or intuited instructed me to quieten myself and find the answers from within rather than without. I withdrew, I rested, I let go. I meditated, I learned to breathe and I journeyed. As I told you before, a crow once came down my chimney to help me move on from losing my son (read more about this in my post ‘The Crow‘). He arrived at precisely my hour of need and his presence helped me to see that there were forces outside myself and that they were on my side. This will become relevant later… and is one example of the otherworldly occurrences that solidified my faith and led me to where I am now.
It has taken me a long time to get to a place of (relative) trust but I have been reminded over and over that I have all the answers I ever needed within myself. And it is such a relief, as if I finally knew how to relax and to let go. If I am a divine being, made of the stuff God is made of, I can let go of my fears. It’s the difference between being alone and being embraced by… I don’t know the word… embraced by whatever you need. A mother, a father, a grandmother who loves you completely and asks that you be nothing more than what you are. It’s the kind of thing that makes you feel whole, when before you were hollow. It’s hard to describe and I remember clearly how little I used to know of it.
And when you start along the road, nothing makes any sense. What does ‘look inside’ mean? How does one find God? How can I find the answers within myself when I am in chaos? How can I learn to be happy? But you keep looking for answers, and you keep reading, and you quieten your mind enough to hear your own intuition underneath the noise. And little by little, you start to trust that inner voice, and the choices you make lead you to better people and places, and you feel more connected and the noise fades away and one day, you have a feeling of peace within you and you know that it’s possible to feel at home within yourself. And there, in that moment of safety and compassion, you know you will be ok, that you will never be alone again. And then you forget it, and life happens. But in the back of your mind, you know it’s there, the little flame of faith, and it grows and grows as you grow and grow. My own faith was built brick by brick, over time, made up of experiences and the words of others that resonated with my soul. These bricks were little glimmers of proof that, when stacked all together, became something I could trust.
It will mean something different to every person. You may find a name for it, you may not. You may find its expression in a person, in a God or in nature. But it is always in you. And don’t let yourself be held back by thinking about it in terms of Science. You don’t need to understand. How could we? Do not try to reason it. Reason is so limited. The complexity of the universe is something we can only glimpse in fragments. If we know anything, it is that we know nothing at all.
We all have the light of the universe within us. Pure love. I imagine some people see it within themselves because they grew up knowing they were loved, that essentially, what they were was good and whole. The adults around them helped them to see themselves this way. Like many people, I was not shown this kind of love and I believed I was broken and bad. When you are starved of this good feeling, it becomes hard to find because you don’t think you deserve it. But I realise now that it can be cultivated, or rather, remembered and revealed. We can give ourselves the love we lacked and show ourselves the beauty within. We can once again feel the connection with source that was blocked or hidden, but never not there.
And when you look closely, you realise they’re all saying the same thing. The Eastern traditions teach us that we are all connected and that the divine is not separate from ourselves. Western religions have a similar idea, it is only hidden beneath a few more layers of institution. Underneath it all though, is this pervasive stream of love, of consciousness, of wonder. The stuff of life. It doesn’t matter what the story is, it only matters that you feel you are connected to something greater than yourself. In her book ‘The Psychology of Spirituality’, Columbia professor Lisa Miller tells us how the human brain is more healthier, more active and alive, when we are spiritual. She argues that we have evolved to be spiritual creatures and that when we reject this, we are more likely to have depression and anxiety. We are supposed to know and to feel the connection to source, and we are healthier and happier when we do.
It is not always easy to have faith. In my last post, Grief, I told you that Gracie, my beloved dog, had recently died. Understandably, I went through a period of depression. I reached a day where the world was black. I lost all trust in my path. I felt alone and betrayed. I had worked so hard to be a good person and still, life had handed me yet more suffering. I didn’t see the point of being alive and I went to bed that night in a state of disillusionment and despair. When I woke up the next morning I registered the same gloom. Nothing had meaning. How would I go on? I had lost my faith. Just then, I heard a scuffling sound from down the stairs. I knew my husband was out and my first thought was ‘It sounds like the crow came back’ and then I laughed at the absurdity and went back to my brooding. Five minutes later, the banging got louder and I forced myself out of bed in order to investigate. When I opened the door to my dressing room and saw the crow by the window, I wasn’t surprised. ‘Hello crow’ I said as a warmth filled my entire body and pressed tears out of my eyes. I calmly walked over to the window and pushed it open. He flew straight out, his work was done. I couldn’t stop laughing and crying, I was so filled with awe. I knew then, with clarity and certainty, that I would be ok and that I was not alone.
I don’t expect to be in a state of faithfulness every day. I know life will hand me more sorrow and that I will fall from grace more than I would wish. But I did want to express this sentiment while it was strong within me, to tell you what is possible and to revel in the wonder, for now. I have spent so much of my life with a loneliness I could not understand, it makes a nice change. I pray my faith will stay.
The Slow Down Kid 