Meditation

My favourite life-tool and why you should start…

This morning I sat in meditation, my faithful dog Gracie nestled into the nook of my crossed legs. She has an aggressive cancer and sometimes, as today, I get overwhelmed with thoughts of being without her. Emotions overcome me and tears pour forth. I feel deep pain. And yet, I know that when I choose, I can move my mind from this pain, into another place. I can come back to my breathing, back to peace. This is not easy for me but I know it is possible and with time spent daily, I can become more adept at this most relieving skill.

I struggled with anxiety for years and had regular panic attacks throughout my teens and 20s. The first time I tried to meditate, I hyperventilated, so afraid was I of spending time inside my own mind. It was a mess in there and I felt like a prisoner to its whims, riding a wave of thoughts and emotions daily that left me confused and exhausted.

Later, when the anxiety had reached critical mass and the chronic fatigue took over, I turned to a wise lady and family friend for guidance. She recommended a therapeutic session with MDMA because it has great effect with those suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I will go into greater detail in another post, but the state that this drug induced in me is relevant here. MDMA removes shame and fear. It lets you experience yourself in a more honest manner, without the layers of criticism and cynicism we build up over a lifetime. It felt to me that the thousand voices that competed for attention in my head were quieted for the first time. I was able to see a central, singular self. It was life-changing. For those of you with experience in meditation or something like it, you will know that place. For those unfamiliar, imagine that the multiple rushing voices that constantly chatter and fill your mind slow down, untangle and reassemble into one, clear, honest, loving voice. Wonderful. This experience lasted roughly 36 hours.

A few months later, when I travelled to India for an Ayurvedic retreat and tried meditation once again, I was able to quiet my mind enough to recognise this ‘self’ within and to spend time with it. I recognised it as the same state I’d encountered on my journey with MDMA and it felt like coming home. I realised in that moment what meditation was for.

Because I knew the destination was so wonderful, it did not seem to me a burden to practice. My teacher also reflected that we must experience the joy of meditation in order for it to become a welcome part of our daily lives, rather than a boring task or something else that we ‘must’ do. This is why a good teacher can be so valuable for a beginner. It is so difficult to describe the meditative state that newcomers do not know what they strive for. I remember how resistant to it I was, in the beginning. In the dark on your own, with a thousand thoughts swirling and most of them negative. It can be intimidating, frightening even.

A year later, I had built up a semi-regular meditation routine for myself and my nervous system was responding well. However, I had some sizeable emotional blocks I was working through that often sent me off-kilter. I was not yet in charge upstairs. I attended another retreat, this time led by the sisters of plum village, Buddhist nuns who advocate mindfulness as a way of life. I was deep in grief at the time and spent much of my stay weeping. I think I sensed that I was somewhere safe and could not contain my emotions any longer. The nuns and my fellow attendees were gracious and loving towards me but on the third day, the eldest and most senior nun turned to me and said “If you are still suffering, it is because you choose to do so. Happiness is a practice”.

At the time, I was angry. How dare she tell me that my suffering was my own fault. I did not choose loss or grief. It seemed so unkind. But her words stuck with me. What did this mean? Could she be right? And how could happiness be a practice? Surely happiness was the end result of a life well lived rather than a choiceI could make now? And how could I be expected to be happy when I had been through so much?

As the retreat went on I became calmer, no doubt the cooling presence of the sisters, who smile with their whole being. I learnt their practices during Dharma talks (teachings) and meditated more than I ever had before, as is their routine. Little by little I started to understand. Calming the mind – meditation – is a practice like any other. Like building muscle at the gym or skill at the piano. Happiness can be thought of the same way. I can choose, repeatedly, in every moment of my existence, to move my mind toward peace and happiness and away from anxiety. The more I do it, the better I will become. The pathways in my brain will change, with new connections that will get stronger and stronger, the more time and energy I give them. It sounds so simple but for me it was revolutionary. I need not be a victim to my own mind nor forever be at the mercy of outside forces. I can improve my connection with myself, one day at a time.

Progression is slow. Learning to master your mind is a life-long journey. I am still so new to the path, with so far to go. But for me, the knowledge that I could do something to help myself was enough. It gave me agency. It gave me hope.

At the moment, I meditate every day, whether I feel like it or not. It is the time when I most feel like myself and it is my most valuable tool for achieving a good life. My suffering is still very present, with new and difficult challenges, as we all must face, but I am not so afraid as I once was. I know that I can greet the suffering and spend time with it. I know that it too will pass and that I can and will feel joy again.

I know many people who will not meditate because they have anxiety or ADHD. I believe these people are the most likely to benefit from it. I wish there were better education on its benefits and on how to make a start.

I don’t dare to teach meditation, I am not equipped, but there are many resources out there to help you begin, gently. Start small. Try five minutes, or even one, if that feels too much. Be kind to yourself. Keep at it and trust me that you will benefit over time. A friend described it this way…

“Your mind is a house. It is full to the brim with boxes and books and everything you have ever collected over the years. It has never been cleaned. When you open the front door, you are so oppressed by the clutter you quickly close the door again. No thank you, it’s not nice to be in there, it’s a mess with no room for me. And so it stays that way. But, what if you braved it, and chose one small area of one room and put it in order and every day you did a little more tidying, clearing and sweeping. It would take a long time, it would be a big task, but every day you would get a little closer to your goal. You would see a little square of clear carpet, or a newly discovered window pane and you would feel relief and pride at what you have uncovered”.

You have the power to change your mind. Isn’t that amazing?