Getting in the flow and Feeling free
As a person crawling tentatively out of the tunnel of chronic fatigue, I have been contemplating creativity. So long shut down and unable to access that spark, that momentum, I ponder on it now. Am I ready? Should I awaken it by force, or will it uncover itself freely as I gain strength and vitality. Am I able to let my creativity flow without trying to categorise or monetise it, stripping it of its God-given joy in the process? I do not know.
From the outside, I am a person drenched in creativity. Blessed, perhaps from birth, with the conditions necessary to help it bloom. I was brought up in a huge, musical family where each child was given the best possible training from a young age. I am a skilled violinist and singer, a natural dancer and a keen artist. I have good hand-eye coordination and can easily lend my hand to all manor of creative hobbies. I enjoy knitting and quilting, baking and making clothes. I write songs and poetry, now too I try my hand at Prose. I did not have the problem so many have of being discouraged from the arts. Many parents neglect the interests of their children through fear of failure or lack of prospects. My parents promoted a creative life as the only desirable option. My siblings were successful, well-paid, professional musicians and actors. Surely then, I do not need lessons in creativity?
But for all the reasons above, it has been difficult for me to separate the true joy of creation from the very practical act of making a profitable and ‘successful’ career in the arts. In my family, it was expected that I would be a performing genius, just as in other households, a doctor or lawyer is the requirement. Any classical musician will tell you just how much room for manoeuvre there is in the training we must recieve from the age of just 5 or 6. Freedom of expression is not required. I was never encouraged to feel or enjoy the music I made. I only knew how to correct and perform. Professionally, I was a performing monkey for the creative aspirations of others. It ate away at me. I had to give up my job of 18 years in order to figure out why I was plagued with anxiety and purposelessness. I had to break away from all my habits and beliefs in order to learn, for real this time, what it meant to be truly creative.
I think about this now because I am in the privileged position of being able to pursue, well, anything I want to. There are no financial pressures. I have time. But what do I want?
I am allergic to (metaphorically) anything forced or fake. I lived that way for too long and my body now rejects the very notion. So then, I know what I do not want. It is also true that I may still be too exhausted for creativity to make its way back to me. In her book ‘Beyond Anxiety: Curiosity, creativity and Finding Your Life’s Purpose’, Martha Beck describes patients that cannot connect with their passions because they are simply too depleted. However, I feel too that I may be blocking my own flow. I have plenty of ideas that I put off for later. I have desires that I discount as fantasy. I know too well the practical drudgery of big dreams and so I can tend toward cynicism, flitting away feather-light visions of grandeur.
I fear to shine. At home and a school, these gifts became a target on my back. As a sensitive individual, eager to please, I quickly learned to stifle my abilities in order to fit in. I dulled myself, forgetting the pleasure and freedom of expression. I became constrained. This kind of containment does not feel good and is a real shame as it means I hide from the world that which I should share. That which brings joy to others. The fear of rejection is strongly instilled and I still do not know how to perform from the heart, though I am learning slowly. I can sing to the trees in a way that feels joyful, but if there are other people in the room, my old tendencies towards perfectionism and competitiveness creep in. I minimise my offerings through fear and yet live under the pressure that I will never achieve my potential. I am caged.
I focussed on this feeling in a recent IFS (internal family system) therapy session. With this process, one recognises the many parts that makeup oneself, each with their own motives and fears. First, I was called to look upon a part that worried that if I did not make a significant creative contribution, I would be forgotten and would fade into nothing. I asked this part to step aside, just for now. Next, I was aware of a part that was desperately fearful of appearing arrogant. After acknowledging this, I asked this part too to step aside. Once these opposing forces had shifted, it was as if my true nature was released. I felt a pure, shining light that I identified as radiance. It was directed at me and also was me. Peaceful, relaxed, confident, blissful radiance, without fear. I believe I was briefly in contact with source and that it’s connection with us, expression through us, is what we call creativity.
I could not maintain that state. It faded quickly and was gone by days end. But, I will remember the feeling and its message. I got a glimpse of what true joy and creation feels like and now I know what I’m looking for.
I realise that my ideas about what creativity should be are masking the truth. I am being creative, every day, only I do it in smaller, more contained ways that I and others don’t see as valid. After all, this blog is creative. I feel in flow when I write to you. What I tell you is from my soul. And when I walk about my garden and I imagine the bulbs that might fill the spaces between the shrubs at spring time, is this not a creative endeavour? When I make dinner with care, and thank the earth for its bounty, is this not too an expression of joy? Yes. Writing these words down, I see that indeed, I am often in the process of creation. I suppose there is the idea that I should have some larger purpose, some grand exploration that makes me famous and renowned and respected. Some title that finds me and pronounces “Behold, I am useful and beautiful”. How do I stay grounded and focus on the small creative gems that I see and share every day?
Again, I have no answer for you or for myself. I will share, however, some lessons I have gathered along the way. They remind me that what I am giving right now is enough. If I have no compass towards my calling, at least I can feel more and more at peace with what I can offer right now.
The present moment will lead me towards my true self.
I remember that ‘society’ does not know best. Success and acclaim feels great but this feeling fades all too quickly. I look for a deeper fulfilment.
I remember to be kind to myself.
Creativity does not worry what others think . It does not have a schedule or a motive. If your thoughts are on these aspects, you have drifted away from creativity. Find your way back.
There is nothing more beautiful than a rose, or a sunset, or a smile. Perhaps receiving these gifts with gratitude is all the creativity that is needed.
The journey is the point.
The Slow Down Kid 